The Relationship Rule Book!
This could be the shortest post that I have ever written because there is no Relationship Rule Book. The beauty of relationships is that we can create the kind of relationship that we want. I say that we CAN create the kind of relationship that we want however, sadly, the vast majority of us don’t.
At the beginning we don’t feel confident enough in our relationships to set “ground rules”, this is especially true when we are particularly attracted to someone new. The relationship then takes on a life of its own, until it settles into a pattern. Neither partner consciously challenging the status quo unless things begin to go wrong.
The main problem being that most people don’t know what they want from a relationship. They have a vague idea that it should bring happiness and joy however, they never take the time to quantify what happiness and joy would look like to them. They continue to stumble around hoping that their relationships will improve with time. It’s no different than thinking that your financial problems will be solved when you win the lottery. They may well be however, do you want to spend your whole life in the hope that it might happen.
If life is not easy (and it’s not), then the path to relationship bliss is even harder to follow. It sounds easy, all you have to do is find someone that you are attracted to and who is attracted to you and the rest is history.
If only! The problem being that we don’t know what drives us, most of us are not in touch with our own wants, needs and desires and if we don’t even know ourselves, then how can we possibly tell where the object of our desires is coming from. What is driving them, what role are they playing in an effort to meet their own wants, needs and desires.
When our relationships are working well, then we don’t care about any of the above, however, what I am saying here is that we should. Once we have established a pattern to our relationship (like everything else in life), then it is very difficult to break that pattern. Once we have welcomed someone new into our lives, moved in with them and possibly even adopted the role of mother or father to their children; then this is not the time to begin to have doubts about the relationship.
As I said at the beginning relationships don’t come with a rule book (and that’s great), you can fashion any kind of relationship that suits you both. Both, being the operative word, a relationship that suits you both, (not just you and not just your partner). Cooperation and negotiation is the bedrock of a good relationship.
O.K, I hear you say, but if any kind of relationship goes, then how do I know that I am in a good one? Well that’s easy; you submit your relationship to my duck test.
You can add more questions if they are important to you however, you have got to be honest and the answers must be either YES or NO. The beauty of the Duck Test is that it takes away what people say and leaves you with the results.
How often have you heard someone say “I can’t leave him or her, because he/she loves me”, when you can clearly see that their actions are anything but loving.
You can only answer YES or NO. My duck test goes like this:
1. Am I happy when I’m with this person?
2. Do I really love/care for them?
3. Do they really love/care for me?
4. How do I know that they love/care for me?
5. Do I trust them?
6. Do I want a future with them?
7. Do I know and share their values?
8. Do I know what they want for their future?
9. Do I know what I want?
10. HAVE I TOLD THE HONEST TRUTH?
The bottom line is this – If it waddles like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it’s a duck, if it doesn’t, then it’s something else. Do you want a duck or do you want something else, only you can answer that.
© Theresa Sives 2010
Did you have the courage to submit your relationship to the duck test? If you did, then I would love to hear how you got on. Please leave your comments below.
Hi Theresa,
I am someone who needs my freedom on a regular basis and fortunately I have a partner who is OK with this, as I am when the roles are reversed. Or as one lady commented on a holiday once “it’s refreshing to see you are not joined at the hip.”
This is the main reason we are still together after 41 years, so yes I suppose I have passed your DUCK test.
Regards,
Bill
Hi Bill
Thanks for the feedback!
Yes, I agree with you. One of the main reasons that you are still together after 41 years will have a lot to do with the fact that you still respect one another’s individuality.
So, it sounds as though you are the real thing, quack quack!
Best, Theresa
Hi Theresa, A well written blog post, how many of us do go into a relationship knowing what we want and expect from it?
I do like your duck test, it’s simple and very effective. I mentally went through it and came up with an honest, positive answer. Now, do I show it to my wife!!
Ray
Hi Ray
Thank you for your feedback, I’m glad that you liked the Duck Test!
Re your question, should you show the results to your wife? Well, the answer to that is, it depends what the results were and it depends what you hope to achieve by sharing your results. If the answer to that is a better understanding of one another and a better relationship, then go right ahead. If it’s anything else, then hang onto your hat.
Good Luck!
Theresa
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Best, Theresa
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