Some 14 months ago now I wrote an article called Money Can’t Buy Me Love! Many people contacted me then and requested that I write a follow up article and I apologise for the delay.

The article was all about confidence and how we feel about ourselves. This is a recurrent theme in my posts because in your life and in your relationships, the happiness that you seek does not come from outside (at the cost of sounding like some new age guru here), I have to tell you that happiness comes from within.

You can be happy no matter what else is going on in your world, in your life and in your relationship. In fact happiness is in no way connected to the external events of your life.

Well, you might say, what if I have a family bereavement, do you expect me to be happy about that. The answer of course, is NO, I do not expect you to be happy about that however, you still have a choice; you can view this as the end of your world and act accordingly. Or, you can think about the good times with that person and what you have to thank them for. I’m not saying that this will take away the pain, it won’t, however, being grateful for someones life is much more beneficial to YOU, than being distraught at their loss.

However, I digress. I want to talk to you about your CONFIDENCE and just how much you love, care for and back yourself.

I frequently say to clients, that what ever happened to you before the age of 18, you must wipe clear from your mind or at least put behind you. You were a child then and the people, who cared for you, were responsible for the circumstances that you found yourself in.

Not only were they responsible for the circumstances that you were brought up in, but they gave you a map of the world (their world), and how it works. They passed on their beliefs of how things are, but potentially most damaging of all; they gave you messages (which you turned into your beliefs), of who you were and what you were capable off.

This might be fine if your “parents” or mine, were wise philosophers however, if they were stressed or unhappy, if they were chaotic in their caring and had their own issues (and who doesn’t); then they may not have been the best people to give you this information.

So, how are you going to FIX IT, and have a great life? Well if you really want to escape from a life where you are miserable and you make those around you miserable too, then read on.

The first thing that we need to do is stop feeling sorry for ourselves and playing the victim. The only way to STOP something is to STOP IT. I can’t fill up the gaping hole that you feel inside and neither can anyone else. It wouldn’t matter if I, and a host of angels told you every hour, (on the hour), how truly marvellous you are, because you wouldn’t believe it.

The reason that it wouldn’t work is this. The only person whose opinion of you matters is YOURS. This is all about, how YOU feel, about YOU.  Yes, you may have had a really difficult upbringing and yes that would make it more of a struggle. However, we can all cite good reasons why we are not where we think that we should be, or what we think we should be.

When we are over the age of 18 years, we have a clean sheet, we can hold onto all of our excuses for not achieving anything and for being unhappy in our lives.  However, they are just that EXCUSES, these are the “reasons” that we cite for not achieving anything with our life and sadly, many people hold onto them; it saves them having to try anything and perhaps fail.

LIFE IS DIFFICULT (this is a profound truth).  Life is not easy, who said that it would be.  However, if you have all of your facilities, if you have all of your limbs, if you have friends, family and people who love you, then you are fortunate indeed.

Psychologists now tell us that we decide just how happy we are going to be in life.  Of course we don’t do this consciously; a lot of it comes from our learned behaviour.  We role model what we have seen and learned and this then becomes our expectations for the future, and our belief about who we really are.

Life itself is a gift and if you are unhappy then you can be sure that the people around you also feel your unhappiness.  For your own sake and for the sake of your loved ones and children you must make the effort to discover yourself, who you are, what you want, what you like and what makes YOU happy.  You cannot make anyone else happy when you are unhappy.  You cannot fill anyone else up when you are running on empty.

So, ENOUGH, it’s time for you to take control of YOUR LIFE. We begin this journey by appreciating who we are.

It has long been acknowledged that the most successful people on the planet PRIZE THEMSELVES, they put themselves first. This does not mean that they are selfish; on the contrary, they know that if they are not happy with their life and themselves, then they cannot help anyone else.

YOU MUST PRIZE YOURSELF! YOU MUST:

• Look in the mirror – look into your own eyes and SAY – I LOVE YOU each day

• Appreciate all of the good and kind thing that you say and do for others
• Appreciate your body and mind
• Thank God every day for your loved ones
• Thank God every day for your life
• Have fun – find out what makes you happy and DO IT
• If you are loved in return, then Thank God again – you are very privileged
• Appreciate your skills, your knowledge and your know how
• DECIDE to be happy NOW and BE IT.
• Don’t doubt yourself, if you make a mistake then you are human, we all make mistakes.
• Beware of trying to be PERFECT – it steals your life and causes stress. Why not join the rest of the human race in the “good enough school”.

REMEMBER it’s not about what happens to you in this life; its about how you deal with it.

Life it too short to worry about what others think of you – the truth is, that they are too busy worrying about themselves.

LIFE IF FOR LIVING – NOW GO AND LIVE IT!

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!

© Theresa Sives 2012

Thursday the 5th May 2011 was a momentous day for Scotland and the Scottish National Party and an inspirational day for the rest of us.

Since the 1930’s the SNP had struggled to be taken seriously as the National Party of Scotland. For decades now the journalists bated them, asking, “How many seats are you going to win at this election”.

Although the SNP had moments of sheer brilliance that masqueraded as a breakthrough, rarely could they hold onto these seats come the following election.

Well on Thursday the 5th May 2011, all that changed. The SNP swept into power, taking 69 of the 120 seats which were being contested, in the Scottish Parliament.

This is a stunning victory and pay off, for all of their Activists. Truly, Scotland will never be the same again.

This was a victory for all who are willing to fight for their dreams.  All who not only believe that life can be better but who are willing to go out and make it better.

Yes, dreams came true on the 5th May and long cherished ambitions, may now be realised.

Well done Alex Salmond and team SNP!

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts.

This is the legend that is Jim Rohn. This is the first of a three-part training video from Jim. If you think that it’s about time that you had a decent year, then pull up a chair and listen in, you’re about to be inspired by the best of the best.

As ever, I would love to hear your comments!

This is the Legend that is Jim Rohn. This is video 2 in Jim’s course. This is free trainnig at its best. If last year sucked for you, then you have come to the right place. Pull up a chair, and prepare to be inspired.

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts!

This is the legend that is Jim Rohn. This is part 3 of How To Have The Best Year Ever. This is free training from the best of the best. If you want to improve your lot, then pull up a chair and prepare to be inspired.

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts!

This week within 24 hours I found myself sitting with a man who was suicidal and the following morning, I was listening to a young woman who was drunk on life.

The man (who I will call Tom), could only see what was missing in his life.  He told me that he was a nice man and that he had never done anyone any wrong (and this was true).  He went on to say that the people in his life had treated him badly and it’s true to say that he had a very difficult upbringing.  He was full of self pity, he felt that the world was not treating him well and that he deserved better, (and he was probably right).

What this man couldn’t see though, was that he was well liked, and that he has lots of good friends and professionals around him, who are all willing to help him.  He couldn’t see or appreciate the good in his life, as all of his focus was on the bad.

The following morning I was at the hairdresser.  The woman who cut my hair (whom I will call Sally), was around the same age as the man that I had spoken with the day before and there the similarity ended.

Sally glowed with happiness.  I have known Sally for over a year now and she is consistently full of good cheer.  Sally knows what her priorities are and you only have to listen to her for a moment, to know that her Husband and her two young daughters are the centre of her world.  Sally is 100% dedicated to her family, she loves them dearly.

This week we have had around 18 inches of snow (in Scotland), and the country has ground to a halt.  People are worrying about reaching their jobs, doing their Christmas shopping and the fact that the Lorries which deliver our groceries to the supermarkets are stuck in the snow.  Sally’s not worried though, she told me that she has already bought the girls Christmas presents on line and that nothing else really matters; as Christmas is all about the children.

Sally went on to say that her Husband had been asked to drive a family member to Edinburgh Airport, from her home in East Lothian.  Sally was worried about this, as the snow was deep and the roads were icy.  To make matters worse this journey took place late at night.  Sally told me that she sat up all night and didn’t go to bed until her Husband was safely home.

I’m sure that it’s obvious to you that Sally’s family thrives, how could they not with such devotion.  Her Husband is happy and her children are well adjusted and do well in school.

So, what is the difference between Tom and Sally?  Yes, it’s true that Tom was robbed of a loving childhood and therefore his map of the world and his coping mechanisms have not transferred well into adult hood.  Tom has however, had the benefit of counselling and the ongoing support of many professionals.  Despite this, Tom‘s focus is on the past and he continues to replay the situations that he found himself in, as a child.  When he does this he experiences the same helplessness that he experienced then.

You might think that well, it’s a shame about Tom but what does this have to do with me?  The answer is everything.

You and I (hopefully), have far less to deal with than Tom does however, millions of people let their past or their lack of focus, ruin their lives.  They drift from one relationship to another, one job to another, one thought to another.  They never commit to anything or anyone and they wonder why their lives are so empty and have little meaning.

Commitment is almost a dirty word but surly the joy in our lives come from the things that we commit ourselves too.  Our relationships, our family and our children.  Sally knows this and if you and I want to experience true happiness, not just this Christmas, but every other day of our lives, then all we have to do is truly commit ourselves to what we really want.

Tom is beginning to build a picture of a compelling future that he can commit himself too.  If Tom can do that then why can’t you?

© Theresa Sives 2012

I hope that this post encourages you to make a commitment to yourself this Christmas and if you would like to share your commitment with us, then we would love to hear it.

Merry Christmas and may all of your hopes and dreams be realised in 2012!

There is an E book called Acres of Diamonds which was written by Russell H Conwell. The story tells of a wealthy and contented farmer who tends his land for many years. One day he receives a visitor who tells him all about the riches of copper, silver, gold & diamonds buried in the crusts of the mountains.

The farmer becomes increasingly disenchanted with his lot. Eventually the farmer sells his farm, leaves his family and sets of in search of the diamond mine of his dreams. Years later the desperate weary farmer, dies alone and penniless in a foreign land.

Meanwhile the man, who purchased his farm, discovers diamonds in a stream which runs through the farm. On further inspection it transpires that the farm was built upon Acres of Diamonds. The moral of the story is that when looking for treasure, we should begin the search on our own doorstep.

So, why am I telling you this?  Well, there is a strange thing in life and in relationships, that when our need for something whether it be love, security, comfort or something else, is being fully met; then we gradually grow dissatisfied. Yes, you heard me right; instead of celebrating our good luck, we grow increasingly dissatisfied. We begin to believe that we have a need for change. We decide that our partner is to boring or to predictable and we need more. We decide that what we really need is someone who is more challenging or more fun, or more intellectual or wealthier.

Whether consciously or not, we then begin to look for this “perfect partner”, this special someone who is going to meet all of our wants and needs. Sooner or later we will meet someone who looks as though they may fit the bill. We then transfer all of our hopes and dreams for the future, (onto this person that we know nothing about). Even worse, this person may also be looking for “the love of their life” and they may transfer all of their hopes and dreams onto you.

This state of bliss could last for days, weeks or even months however, sooner or later, at least one of the parties, will look at the other and think “who are you”. At that moment the spell will be broken and the state of mutual delusion, brought to a crashing ending.

The parties then have to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts, whilst also dealing with the pain and hurt that they have caused to their ex partners, their children and their families. Frequently, people tell me that their children never forgive them for the break up of the family. Sometimes people spend the rest of their lives trying to win back the partner that they carelessly discarded in their search for “something better”.

Am I saying here that relationships should never end – no I am not.  Am I saying that you are better to settle for what you have, than to strive for something better – no I am not. What I am saying is this.  Before you decide that your relationship is over, you need to be certain that it really is, or you too may find out the hard way, that what you always wanted, was right under your nose; all the time.

And so, if there is a moral to this story then it’s this – All that glitters isn’t gold.

© Theresa Sives 2012

Please leave your thoughts below!

This video is called Lessons Of The Seasons and it is by the legend that is Jim Rohn. I have always believed that if you cannot better something, then you would do well to leave it alone.

No one could better Jim’s explanation of the journey of life and how you have to work and plan to make it happen. As Jim would say, “If you fail to plant in the spring, then you will weep in the fall”.

This is the Legend that is Jim Rohn, at his most inspirational.  Turn off all distractions, make yourself comfortable and prepare to be inspired.

This is all that there is to say about Life Coaching!
 

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts!

LOVE – I’m talking about self love here, self love is the most important kind of love that there is and the most important gift that you can give to yourself.

Without self love, we will forever be searching for someone else to love us and to fill that gaping hole inside us (which can never really be filled, until we love ourselves).

So, I hear you say why do I have to love myself and isn’t that a bit soft? No, is my resounding reply, there is nothing amiss about loving yourself however; there will be plenty amiss with your life if you don’t.

The reasons that you must love and appreciate yourself are:-
1. When we love ourselves we value ourselves
2. When we value ourselves then we want the best for ourselves
3. When we want the best for ourselves we avoid risky people and risky situations.
4. We look after our health
5. We look after our wealth
6. We set goals and have high expectations for ourselves
7. We have boundaries and we take pride in our achievements
8. As our confidence and our achievements grow, we appreciate our self more and more.
9. The cycle continues to grow and is self perpetuating.

When we don’t love ourselves then we are forced to search for love outside of ourselves. As we become more and more desperate for love, we may accept situations and relationships that do not promote our well being.

Even when we do find someone who loves and cares for us, our “neediness” frequently ends the relationship. We don’t even know that we are “needy”, all we were trying to do was to be loving and to be loved. Yet, here we are again, once more sad, lonely and abandoned. We promise ourselves that this will never happen to us again however, the next time that we see that “certain smile”, off we go again and this time we are even more determined than before to make this relationship work.

However, the relationship won’t work, how can it, we can’t live our lives through someone else.

Tragically, without even knowing it, we have learned a pattern of behaviour which will see us suck the life out of our relationship by:-
1. Not allowing our partner to breath
2. Constantly being at their side and curtailing their life
3. Demanding more and more attention and proclamations of love
4. Dropping our own friends
5. Dropping our hobbies
6. Possibly missing work or other commitments to be at their side
7. Living our lives through our partners

Sooner or later the stifled partner yearns to break free and the relationship ends. We could have saved ourselves (and our partners), from all of this pain if we had taken the time to learn to LOVE OURSELVES.

So, if you don’t know how to love yourself, then I am about to give you a crash course.

 To love yourself you must:-
1. Know who you are – Write an essay about your life and READ IT.
2. Write 1-3 days in your perfect life and THINK ABOUT IT.
3. List your skills and attributes and APPRECIATE THEM.
4. Use Personality Tests like Color Quiz – 5 minute (free), Personality Test.  http://www.colorquiz.com it’s free on line and ANALYSE THE RESULTS.
5. Check out Jonathan Cainer (Astrologer) website http://www.cainer.com and see what he says about your star sign and THEN APPLY YOUR COMMON SENSE.
6. Use the Myers -Briggs tests (you will find some free on line) try Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
7. Request and listen to feedback – if it’s true, THEN USE IT
8. Find information from many sources – you may want to try Numerology.

I’m not asking you to believe all that you learn but I am asking you to begin to build a picture of yourself and your capabilities. Keep building your self knowledge and begin appreciating all of your good points. Look out for all of your good characteristics and be grateful for them. Then begin to look out for all of the good and kind things that you do and say.

Before you know it, you will have a complete profile of who you are. You will then be able to value yourself and begin treating yourself and looking after yourself. When you truly love yourself, then your life, your career, your relationships and your future; will all thank you for it.

© Theresa Sives 2012

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts!

When we love someone, we want the best for that person and we accept them for who they are. We want to do things that will make them happy although, we must be careful not to smother them with our undivided attention. We don’t need to buy them either, by continually showering them with gifts.

People, who truly love one another, give each other space to grow and to follow their own destiny. If you insist that things are always done your way, then you are exercising control and not love.

People in long term relationships can get bored with each other and sometimes just to mix it up a bit, they indulge in a battle of wits, over time, this can deteriate to the level of sarcasm. If they don’t find a better way to communicate or stop it there, then the sarcasm can give way to ridicule. This leaves its mark by wounding the participants pride and eventually it can destroy the relationship itself. Sarcasm is not a toy or a game, it’s a hand grenade and you will do well, not to play with it.

People who are in love look out for each other and that is where I believe that Loyalty comes in. Let’s say that you love someone and you hear them being discussed in a malicious fashion, what do you do?

What if someone has deliberately damaged their belongings, their car or their home and you know who it was, then what do you do?

Would you look the other way, or rationalise your non involvement by saying that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Or, do you think that would be nothing short of a cop out? Can we truly love anyone without supporting them and standing up for them, whether or not, they are actually present?

I don’t believe that you can. To me, that would be no different from the people who ignore their partners when their “friends” are around.

I believe that in both cases, the message is clear. You may be good enough for me when we are alone, however, your NOT good enough for me to go out on a limb for, and possible attract some flak.

If you have ever experienced this, or a variation of this, then you may need to take another look at what you have been calling LOVE.

You should never have to ask or beg for love. You can only receive love if your partner wants to give it to you. Love is a gift and Loyalty is its true companion.

© Theresa Sives 2012

PS – Please don’t waste your time looking for “your soul mate” your time would be more productively spent, buying a metal detector and looking for gold. But hey, that’s just my opinion and you know that I am always happy to hear yours.